August 19th, 2009 'Don't push the button!'

The flight wasn't as bad as I thought. We left L.A. on time and flew with the trade winds, arriving in Tokyo almost an hour ahead of schedule. Ten and half hours on one flight goes by quicker than you'd imagine, and the plane was so roomy for coach...am I laying the sarcasm on thick enough? I can't complain about the service, the stewardess were very nice, the food wasn't dog-shit either. My one complaint? The most over-rated drug on the planet! Viccodin never really helps me sleep, only turns me into a chatter box impossible to shut-up. Never liked Valium either and Perceset makes me tweaked out of my skull. With all this in mind I did my best to get a hold of some Ambien. One pill each, a little pink bastard for me and one for Kelly. Perhaps its because my expectations were so high, I had always heard you hallucinate from the stuff because it makes you so tired, I'd always heard that in 20 minutes from swallowing the little monster you'd be out colder than an Eskimo's freezer...Bullshit, I didn't even get drowsy, in fact, I think it kept me from getting even a wink of sleep. Wide awake, wide awake wide awake. of course I packed my god-damn books into my checked baggage, and of course I'd seen every movie they had to offer. I watched '17 again' have you ever seen this movie? Probably not, because it was the worst pile of tripe I'd ever encountered. A teeny bopper shit show starring zach effron and that funny bull-shit lady from role models...I digress though, must look on the sunny side, we made it right? One piece, no turbulence, and it was my first time in Tokyo. Japan, the land of the rising sun. Really nice airport too, we had some fantastic food, and its so fun to get even simple things like shopping receipts when they're littered with forgien characters I can't even begin to understand. My first cultural experience was going smoothly...so far. I will admit the plane food upset my sensitive little baby stomach a bit so I headed for the bathroom to 'unload' some stress. Walking into the first stall I stopped dead in my tracks. Where the hell was the toilet? Starring back at me was a rectangular basin held firmly in the ground. There was no seat, not even any toilet paper. Just a hole in the ground and a long funny hose attached to the wall. I had to step back. What the hell was going on here? The Japanese take shits too right? Do I stand over this thing?! Do they poop out of some unkown hole in their feet? What human could crouch down that low? It's pointed in the wrong direction! Where the hell is the toilet paper!? On closer examination, the door stall had a sign that said Japan, on the one next to it said Europe. Cringing with the fear of finding another sunken shit hole I opened the stall slowly. Thank god! A real toilet...a nice one too, padded seat and all sorts of strange electronic gizmo's on it. This thing was nicer than my apartment! the seat even heated up so your bum didn't get too cold! oh glory glory hallelujah. I won't give you the details of the next ten minutes, let's just say i got down to business. Ahh normal toilet paper too, sweet relief. i didn't have a magazine on me, and there was no clever graffiti littering the walls to entertain me. men you'll know what I mean when I say I needed something to read or fiddle with, it gets a little boring just sitting down for 30 minutes. So I started to examine this bizarre space-craft like device I was sitting, very exposed, on. There were all sorts of knobs and diles, few of which were in English. Keep in mind I hadn't slept and it was about 1:30am our time, anyone who knows me knows this was far past my bedtime...I was getting a little delirious. One knob was in English and Japanese, it read 'temperature'. One next to it read 'pressure'. Logic told me this must be controls for this fancy soft seat I was sitting on, why not crank it up? I'd love a hot seat and a firmer one at that. Didn't really notice a change, but maybe my western ass was just sore from all the sitting I'd done in the last 12 hours. Those were the only two controls that were in English... I wasn't done yet though, and of course I had to fidget with it some more. I noticed the oddest button next to the two I had just adjusted. To me, in my delirious state, mind you, it looked like a dotted line pointing at a pair of tits. If I push this do I get a peep show or something, will holographic porno be displayed for my enjoyment? This toilet is wonderful! pornography while you poo, who could ask for more! I'd love to look at a pair of titties after a long journey. So i did what I new best, pushed the damn button... How can i describe what happened next, the fear that sunk into my mind, the burning sensation I experienced. You see, in other countries they use things I've dubbed 'bum squirters'... Yes thats right, I had turned the heat up to max along with the pressure and proceeded to push the one button I should never have pushed. A fire hose torrent, just a real hot steamy jet of water went straight up my unsuspecting butt hole. Boiling water and pressure to boot. When you're not ready for an experience like this I can tell you my main emotion was sheer terror. I screamed like a 6-year-old girl and proceeded to jump out the stall, pants around my ankles to a bathroom full of men using the urinals. Why do I always find myself in the most embarrassing situations? Because I had to push the damn button. Here I was, ass naked, scarred, literally, shitless, with my pants around my ankles starring at about 5 Japanese gentlemen who couldn't help but burst into laughter...All I can tell people traveling to Japan...whatever you do, no matter what, DON'T PUSH THE BUTTON, your pride and sensitive asshole will appreciate it in the long run...And with that, I got my wet, burnt, embarrassed ass on the plane to Bangkok. So long Japan